Research Update: #4019

Shocking new research from the University of Pennsyldykia is suggesting a direct link between global kitten mortality rates, and the proportion of US citizens failing to exercise their right to bear arms.
The in-depth study, released only one hour ago, doesn’t stop there, however. It goes on to conclude that for every day that a citizen of any of the 52 states spends more than 12 yards from a semi or fully automatic fire-arm, Satan brutally murders a new born kitten with a 2 pound lump hammer, before dousing it in axel grease, igniting the corpse and firing directly into the sun – increasing global warming (which has NOTHING TO DO with burning fossil fuels. At all.).
The American anti-gun lobby, horrified, is currently forming an orderly queue outside their local arsenals, ready to purchase enough munitions to eradicate the entire population of Belgium (this is no coincidence. Belgium, be warned).
Delighted with their work, the newly honoured research team are now looking to confirm the link between not smoking and Satan’s little pixies masturbating over pictures of your Grandma, and then intend to prove, once and for all, that unless you drive a 2 ton pick-up truck then you have “cooties” and could very well have a tiny tiny penis. We await their findings with baited breath…