Dear Dr. Carlsson,

I write as an interested observer of your lecture last Thursday on “Ridiculous Chickens of the Lower Indus”, and, to be frank, I was amazed at your research suggesting that their relentless persecution, and subsequent annihilation of every left-handed dung beetle that refused to denounce Catholicism, was a direct result of the invention of the synchro-mesh gearbox.
I myself was personally savaged by a chicken just outside Sainburys not 9 days ago, and cannot help but wonder if my shiny carapace, “Anything Left-handed” shopping bag, and Special Edition Porsche Cayenne - which bears more than a passing resemblance to a 6 foot sphere of manipulated faecal matter - might have something to do with it. Imagine my consternation, however, when the beaky little so-and-so did not even attempt to bring my faith group into question before pecking me, really very hard, in the ankle, before clucking what I can only assume to be a string of obscenities, and laying an egg on a dog poo that was minding its own business thereabouts.
I am pleased to report however, that the incident was quickly resolved, as Jenkins, my butler, took matters into his own teeth and swiftly nibbled one of the chicken’s legs off, putting it off balance, and forcing it to retire from International Cricket altogether.
Although the peck really hurt, I was a big boy and didn’t cry – then Jenkins gave me a strawberry lolly (they are the nicest kind) and a lovely big cuddle, and told me I was a very special little pixie. And I am. Nanny says so too. So there.
And so Dr. Carlsson, in summary, I am forced to ask the following about your research:
Have you seen my car keys? I think the chicken might have eaten them.

Yours truly,
Love and kisses,
Jeremy, aged 47 and a half.