Public Notice #666

The Carlsson Scale - A measurement of how little Carlsson cares about any given subject except the procurement and consumption of liquor and classified drugs.
The scale goes from -7 to "whatever, I don't give a fuck really."
Use sparingly.

Report #2: Unusual mutation?: Strange New Tree Growth

Scientists have recently found a new tree growth that has not been discovered before anywhere on Earth. It is unknown if this mutation formed as a part of the tree itself or if it is a viral growth but researches are conducting research to verify which it is. Updates will be published as soon as we receive further information.

Public Notice #-11: RelaxNSmack 2000

William Otterson was one of the first people to volunteer to test out the CIA's latest weapon to counteract terrorism. He has been stuck in the system for 2 years due to technical glitch caused by a Deja Vu that the programmer experienced. Due to the fact that inflicting torture on captives can be a gruelling and sometimes traumatic process for the torturer, the RelaxNSmack 2000 has been created to ease the burden. This is the ideal for any country supporting and pioneering freedom, that wants to promote its ideals on non-conforming opposition. Utilising technologies such as Virtual Reality, Taser and sensory (and sometimes sensual) deprivation, it is an ideal tool for any dictator's mercenaries. All pioneers of Freedom would be proud to use this tool, once the technical difficulties are resolved. As for William, he will be returned to his parents farm once the programmers resolve the issues faced.

Found: 1 Illicit Pygmy Tepee

Found: one wooden Pygmy tepee.
Would the owners of this construction please come forward, as it has been erected on a private allotment? Bernard Stiffeldfoot is getting most irate as it has been placed upon his brussels sprout seedlings, which he has desperately needed for his fibre intake over the last three months. Bernard is chiefly worried that there is going to be a real impact on his stools due the lack of sprouts. It is also feared that he may stage protests against the Pygmy peoples in the near future, which could tarnish the reputation of many innocent law abiding Pygmy's worldwide (and possibiy undo centuries of diplomatic wrangling, appeasement and stuff like that).

Report #1: The Lost Water

Thames water has finally identified the source of what is thought to be the source of many of the droughts in Surrey. This body of water (pictured) has been labelled the "Lost Water" – although quite clearly it has now been located. Through some mysterious means, this body of water has escaped from many reservoirs throughout the Southeast and has ended up lounging near old Weybridge Town Lock. Thanks to Thames Water, this body of water has been ring fenced, in preparation for incarceration back to the estuaries where it came from. It is suspected that this water evaporated in the early spring heat wave, then turned into that strange rain that caused delays in the rail network and then seeped into its final loitering point in Weybridge. Once this water is restored to the reservoirs, Thames Water have guaranteed that it will not return to cause a menace to the upper-middle class residents of Weybridge.

(Report filed by our roving corrrespondent Kazemik, "because Steve and Carl can't be bothered").

Research Update: #4019

Shocking new research from the University of Pennsyldykia is suggesting a direct link between global kitten mortality rates, and the proportion of US citizens failing to exercise their right to bear arms.
The in-depth study, released only one hour ago, doesn’t stop there, however. It goes on to conclude that for every day that a citizen of any of the 52 states spends more than 12 yards from a semi or fully automatic fire-arm, Satan brutally murders a new born kitten with a 2 pound lump hammer, before dousing it in axel grease, igniting the corpse and firing directly into the sun – increasing global warming (which has NOTHING TO DO with burning fossil fuels. At all.).
The American anti-gun lobby, horrified, is currently forming an orderly queue outside their local arsenals, ready to purchase enough munitions to eradicate the entire population of Belgium (this is no coincidence. Belgium, be warned).
Delighted with their work, the newly honoured research team are now looking to confirm the link between not smoking and Satan’s little pixies masturbating over pictures of your Grandma, and then intend to prove, once and for all, that unless you drive a 2 ton pick-up truck then you have “cooties” and could very well have a tiny tiny penis. We await their findings with baited breath…

Friendly Fire: A Young Boy’s Handy-Dandy Massacre Guide

Hi kids!
Did someone pick on you in the schoolyard? Did a bigger (possibly ethnic minority or foreign) kid say you had cooties? Does that make you sad?
Hey there, little guy, wipe away those tears! Captain Colt Magnum is here to help.
What do you mean you don’t know where to look? Why not take a peek under Daddy’s bed? Don’t look at the dirty books. If you see boobies before you are 10, God will make your dick fall off. It says so in the Bible – right after the mistranslated part on why fags are evil. Just take the big shiny gun, slip it in your school bag.
Next time the strange boy with a prayer mat picks on you, simply point your gun at him and pull the trigger. Daddy’s a fuckwit, so it’ll be loaded, and there sure as fuck is no automatic safety.
There. The bad man is all gone. You feel better now, don’t you?
Congratulations, you are now a patriot, and living proof that the 2nd amendment works. Hey, now you’re a REAL MAN, why not take a look at your next leaflet “Cowboys Smoke, and So Should You.” If you don’t, Mommy will fall in a well full of spikes.

Public Notice #2

Single white male with a love for butter seeks naked ape (must be wholly naked) for companionship; preparation of light refreshments; assistance with writing PhD on obesity in the ape universe.

The successful primate (pictured) must be clean, wholly or at least fully naked, capable of preparing light refreshments (this may at times involve both canapés AND bucks fizz), and have an intermediate grasp of colloquial Kyrgyz.

I will provide naked ape pit, a limited selection of ingredients for light refreshments, amusing anecdotes about digging for clay, and access to a retro lava lamp.

I am a caring, youthful dementia sufferer with a love for light refreshments (pictured), naked apes and light refreshments.

You will be wholly naked, with strong ape-like features, and good at preparing light refreshments.

If this ad entices you, please don't hesitate to contact me on pantgasm@gmail.com.

Leif Bollevik-Gallileo (pictured)

(Note: This is a public service announcement. We are not responsible for any injuries as a result of being naked, an ape, or good at preparing light refreshments. Please consult the official Naked Ape Guidelines before attempting to prepare light refreshments)

Lost: 1 brain

Reward: 3 pickled herring, and a biscuit named Joe
Last seen: Smoking and making a disconcerting humming noise, just North of my nose.
Answers to "Timmy".

Public Notice #1

Labia-McSingh seek albatross
Non-smoking albatross sought for fun, loving and partially meaningful relationship with dysfunctional family. Must like children and small humans. The family, certified safe for bird-rearing and consumption (once by Worchester City Council and several times by themselves) enjoy relationship breakdowns, pneumatic drills and Belarussian scrabble. The albatross will be required to do some warm cleaning and must be able to guarantee discretion during lent and on every third Wednesday in September 2007.
Contact any of the guys in the photo for more details (except the guy with the beard, who may or may currently be alive).

Will you fill the Labia-McSinghs home with the warm cackle of your beak?

(Note: are you an albatross? Did you find the above announcement helpful? Are you easily offended by repeated attempts on your life? Do you currently live in Barnsley? Email us at pantgasm@gmail.com to receive more questions pertaining to this and other matters. Include photo of a nude elk for the opportunity to enter last year's “fingers” competition).

For Sale: A picture of an abacus (jpeg format)

This astounding low-resolution image of an ageing abacus is being offered for a most agreeable price. Has a multitude of purposes:
•put it on your desktop.
You may impress friends with your intellectual choice of screensaver, whilst allowing yourself the eternal opportunity of staring vacantly at a low-resolution image of an ageing abacus
•print it out, laminate it and use it as a placemat.
You can just wipe off any nutritional debris
The low-resolution jpeg image contains some of the finest bytes available in its size.
No mess – No fuss – Just an Abacus!
Become the envy of your contemporaries by casually adding the low-resolution image as a signature to your email.
Burn it to CD – Save it on your harddrive – Delete it! (note: deleting the image will remove it from your computer).

Comes with low-resolution jpeg of an ageing abacus. Buy now and get a second, low-resolution image of an ageing abacus for half price. That's right! Halfprice!
That is almost two jpegs for the price of one!
Available from $0.31, this offer will go fast so be quick. Please email your order to pantgasm@gmail.com, then wait for a while.

May contain nuts. Other abacus-based products also available upon request, including the ever-popular conceptual abacus now selling at $100,034 including postage and packaging.

Abacus 'R' Us Ltd.
(not a real company. Not registered as a real company in any real countries. Not even a real name, apart from Abacus, but then that is more of a word, really. Image taken from the internet and resold at profit.)

Fowl play

The Confederation of Uzbek Necrophilia Tractates (incorporating the Philandering Institute of Scientific Sciences) is currently offering funding for research into crane-related eating disorders 1907-1907. The successful applicant will be required to live a quasi-nomadic lifestyle with a pack of cranes for up to three hours over a period of three years. The topic for 2007 is “Crane vs Cormorant: A study of edible fowl delinquency” and the expected outcome is a 10 page report (double spaced) written in a known language that will form the basis of larger, possible more comprehensive study, possibly single spaced. The grant, essentially worthless, will provide travel to and from Walthamstow, accomodation and up to 0.5% or £0.076 towards a salary, whichever one works out cheaper. The successful applicant will also receive a free lifetime membership to the Lichtenstein Women's Lawn Bowls Association, entitling the bearer to discounts on staplers and other assorted office goods at selected stores throughout the principality. There are no set deadlines except for human applicants. Please consult with your local human organisation for more info.

Dear Dr. Carlsson,

I write as an interested observer of your lecture last Thursday on “Ridiculous Chickens of the Lower Indus”, and, to be frank, I was amazed at your research suggesting that their relentless persecution, and subsequent annihilation of every left-handed dung beetle that refused to denounce Catholicism, was a direct result of the invention of the synchro-mesh gearbox.
I myself was personally savaged by a chicken just outside Sainburys not 9 days ago, and cannot help but wonder if my shiny carapace, “Anything Left-handed” shopping bag, and Special Edition Porsche Cayenne - which bears more than a passing resemblance to a 6 foot sphere of manipulated faecal matter - might have something to do with it. Imagine my consternation, however, when the beaky little so-and-so did not even attempt to bring my faith group into question before pecking me, really very hard, in the ankle, before clucking what I can only assume to be a string of obscenities, and laying an egg on a dog poo that was minding its own business thereabouts.
I am pleased to report however, that the incident was quickly resolved, as Jenkins, my butler, took matters into his own teeth and swiftly nibbled one of the chicken’s legs off, putting it off balance, and forcing it to retire from International Cricket altogether.
Although the peck really hurt, I was a big boy and didn’t cry – then Jenkins gave me a strawberry lolly (they are the nicest kind) and a lovely big cuddle, and told me I was a very special little pixie. And I am. Nanny says so too. So there.
And so Dr. Carlsson, in summary, I am forced to ask the following about your research:
Have you seen my car keys? I think the chicken might have eaten them.

Yours truly,
Love and kisses,
Jeremy, aged 47 and a half.